Confronting Shame and the Stigma of Mental Illness
Originally Published: 24 August 2018
Yesterday beloved TVNZ 1 News anchor, and reporter Greg Boyed passed away. The news of his sudden death, at age 48, reportedly due to a battle with depression has been felt throughout the country. Greg’s death has come as a major wake up call, and in the wake of the tragedy I felt compelled to investigate why; after everything NZ has done to get the message out there that it’s okay to not be okay, are we still losing the people we love?
What’s the message that is more powerful than the one we’re trying to promote right now in order to break down the stigma of mental illness and more specifically, depression?
Instantly I’m reminded of a conversation I had with a journalist friend much wiser than me and she was frank in saying that as Kiwi’s we just aren’t comfortable talking about the hard things. We avoid the unpleasant. We prefer not to criticise, we don’t like the uncomfortable and avoid having the hard conversations.
I think for the most part we consider this a courtesy, but what it says to me is that we’re just not okay with talking about the ugly stuff, and in New Zealand that takes on many forms from our controversial colonial past, which it seems we’re constantly trying to rectify or justify, to arguments about our diversity, our sexuality, our misogyny or our bigotry.
But more shockingly, our appalling statistics around mental health and yes, suicide. We talk about it yes, but often when it’s too late. It leaves me to conclude that we are a culture steeped in shame, and this is important to recognise.
But let me make this clear — It’s not as simple as saying I feel ashamed about this, and therefore I don’t want to talk about it.
Shame is an insidious emotion and the serious fact of the matter is that unspoken shame is a silent killer.
Author, Social Worker and Research professor at the University of Houston, Dr. Brené Brown is well versed in shame. She studies it for a living, and what she has learned about the power of shame and the human psyche is heartbreaking.
Brown defines shame as: the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging, or that something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
According to Brown, shame is a focus on self and is highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide and eating disorders.
With a mix of these feelings swirling around inside of us is it any wonder we find it hard to confront?
Brown explains that we grow up learning to internalise shame through messages from within our culture and says it comes from outside of us, she says: “Our culture teaches us about shame — it dictates what is acceptable and what is not. We weren’t born craving perfect bodies. We weren’t born afraid to tell our stories. We weren’t born with a fear of getting too old to feel valuable. Shame comes from outside of us — from the messages and expectations of our culture. What comes from the inside of us is a very human need to belong, to relate.”
Internalising shame is a recipe for disaster and as Brown says, the focus is so intensely on ourselves that it brings home the old saying that you are your own worst critic.
But there is hope, it’s not the shame that kills us per se, it’s the silence and Brown offers relief by encouraging us to share our shame stories.
There is strength in sharing our stories and fostering connection. She says, the antidote to shame is empathy and this is why she encourages us to talk, “Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgment.” And herein lies the simplicity of reaching out.
The power of talk is exceptionally rewarding when struggling with mental illness. The very nature of depression (and you can ask anyone who’s suffered, suffering, recovered or recovering, and they will tell you) is that it is an isolating experience. It convinces us to be alone, to retreat — often into our own minds. Which as we have learned too many times can be a dangerous thing. This is what makes shame so deadly, “By keeping quiet, shame creeps into every corner and crevice of your life and can grow exponentially”, Brown says.
Breaking down the stigma of mental illness starts with one conversation at a time and another one of Brown’s favourite topics: Vulnerability. Another scary word for our society, and in all honest truth — most people in general — especially the men in our lives.
When was the last time you discussed feeling ashamed with your male friends?
Think about our fantastic and celebrated All Blacks — do we think about them as vulnerable beings, who’s masculinity is so fragile that they could possibly feel anything so personal as shame? Probably not, because men aren’t weak right? We come from a country of strong invulnerable men, don’t we?
New Zealand is the land of the Haka, strong, intimidating. The Warriors and The Crusaders. Powerful words that we use to describe our masculinity. The reality is our culture encourages shame in all industries and identities. For a society becoming more in touch with its feelings the ones being left behind, ironically are our most vulnerable people — our beautiful, capable, imperfect men.
For that matter, our women are just as staunch and proud too, and in my cultural observations there are many of them out there empowering their sisters to overcome shame, in all its ugly forms, and the conversation is growing louder. But our men are being left behind.
We need to encourage the men in our lives, our fathers, our brothers, our friends and loved ones that it’s okay to not be the picture of strength, to win the bread, to not be doing great all day every day, that we support them and encourage them, and we love them anyway.
Our beautiful, capable men need to know that it’s okay to talk about their feelings. It’s okay to be vulnerable. We have to break down the stigma of mental illness by eliminating the shame.
To learn more about Dr Brene Brown and her research you can visit her blog at: https://brenebrown.com/blog/2013/01/14/shame-v-guilt/
Or watch her rousing TED talks on Shame and Vulnerability here: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame/discussion
Where to get help:
- Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
- Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
- Youthline: 0800 376 633
- Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
- Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
- Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.